I started this blog six months ago with every intention of detailing the ups and downs of my road to graduate school. I think my ultimate goal was to actually just pressure myself to think about it and make a decision, but I quickly learned two things: 1) going back and forth between options is NOT INTERESTING. I started to bore even myself with the will-she won’t-she nonsense. And 2) I didn’t feel like making a decision, and I wasn’t going to think about it seriously and with finality until I absolutely had to. Life is so easy when you push difficult decisions to the side and forget about them. That is, until you absolutely can’t ignore them, and you realize you’ve spent a whole year putting off your problems.
Earlier in the year I applied and got accepted to San Jose State’s library program, and had pretty much decided that I would do an online program, save some money, and work through school. I wasn’t thrilled about it, but it seemed sensible and practical and I had finally realized that your degree is what you put into it. I could make any program worthwhile for myself. I already work at a library and gain new skills everyday – really, I was getting more practical experience at work than I would at school anyway. I let my brain relax a bit – this would be totally fine.
Then about a month ago, the University of Denver emailed to check on my deferred status. I let out a melancholy sigh while I tried to prepare myself to turn them down. Even though I know it’s kind of silly, I love the feeling of being in college on a beautiful campus with other souls that are just trying to learn new things. It’s probably elitist and cheesy and pretentious, but it’s a truth I know about myself. So it was with a heavy heart that I thought about what I would tell them. However, while I was dramatically considering my options (probably staring out a rainy window with some swelling orchestra music in the background – definitely not at the reference desk with my chin in my hands), they sent a second email with an update about my financial aid. They decided to award me significantly more scholarship money than they had offered the year previously. Suddenly my decision didn’t seem so easy.
After talking it over with everyone who would listen, doing some furious budgeting, and fretting about it until my stomach hurt, I realized that it might not be so impossible after all. Between living at home and working two jobs, I might even be able to pay tuition out of pocket and avoid having all of the debt that I’ve been so worried about for the past year. So this is my final decision: I’m going to go to DU while continuing to work at my current job, try to save as much money as I can so that I can give it all to them over the next two years, be in an environment that I know I’ll like, and finally become a real librarian. It probably won’t be easy or pleasant, but then again, online classes probably wouldn’t be either.
Now I just have decide on a specialization. And I thought the hard stuff was behind me.
If you’ve offered or provided assistance throughout the past year, listened to my anguished whining, or sent me snapchats of your face, thank you. Please continue being excellent, and I will try to be better in return.